“Look at me!” Narcissism and the American Church
Narcissism in America is at an all-time high. What is narcissism? It’s a word that is thrown around a lot but not often defined. It is when someone has an extremely high view of themselves and their own importance. More severe versions are called Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Malignant Narcissism. We see it all the time in politics. Sadly, we also see it all the time in churches.
When one pastor was exposed in an adulterous affair, instead of repenting, he used many forms of manipulation to keep her and her husband quiet:
“Please pray for me I am in the worst pain of my life right now…”
If [we] miss Him [God] on this (dealing with his sexual sin), it would be one of the worst decisions of our life.
He then warns of the damage it will do to their movement if people find out.
He tells them that if they go forward, “that would constitute the greatest betrayal of my life.”
Please imagine that: a predator telling his victim that her seeking accountability and justice would equal the greatest betrayal in his life. He groomed her and manipulated her, but she is the backstabber. This is a severe case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder—all too common in major ministry leaders.
This is narcissism. I’m too important to God to be disqualified. God needs me. In many cases, these are people who have done tremendous things for the Lord, and their absence will be damaging. But that is on them, not their victims.
King Saul Was A Narcissist
In the famous passage in 1 Samuel 15, where Saul disobeys the Lord, he comes under judgment. Samuel is angry at him and tells him that he is in rebellion and rebellion is like witchcraft (1 Sam 15:23). Saul begins to repent—which is good—but we see his real motive very soon. Before I share the verse, I want you to understand this is a very dramatic scene. The tension between Saul and Samuel is palpable. Samuel tells him that the Lord is going to tear the kingdom from him! But look at Saul’s next words:
Then he said, “I have sinned; yet honor me now before the elders of my people and before Israel, and return with me, that I may bow before the Lord your God.” (1 Sam 15:30)
A narcissist is so consumed with how he or she is perceived that they can ignore the result of their damaging behavior. In Saul’s case, massive judgment was about to befall his family line, but his primary concern is that Samuel honors him—that he does not lose face in the eyes of Israel.
“I am too important to be disciplined!”
I was once in a situation—a confrontation with a leader—and he accused me of trying to destroy his life and ministry legacy. It was hard to explain to him that it was not the people who were exposing him that were to be blamed (which were others, not me), but the decisions he made did not fit the message he preached. He warned me that this could affect my ministry—it could ruin me. He told me he feared for my soul (for seeking to hold him accountable).
Friends, I love teaching and preaching the word of God. But ministry is not an idol to me, and I told him that. If the Lord called me to do something else that was less prominent, I would be okay with that (and if I wasn’t OK with it, tough!—I am the servant, and He is the master.). I shared with you recently something I heard from Francis Chan, where he said that every time he gets up to preach, he feels like he’s drinking a little bit of poison. The idea of being in front of hundreds, if not thousands of people, feeds our ego in a negative way. It doesn’t mean that it is wrong; it means that we need to keep our feet tethered to earth and measure ourselves correctly in the fear of the Lord.
Many years ago, when I was in Bible school, the pastor of the church I attended every Sunday (all students had to attend a local congregation) was caught in adultery. When he was confronted with his wife by the elders, the first thing that his wife said, according to one of the elders, “he still has the anointing.”
Her concern wasn’t that her husband cheated on her—again—but her position in the congregation. Like Saul, she wasn’t concerned about what type of trouble his behavior would bring on their family but wanted to make sure that they were still the royal couple in the congregation. This congregation was not more than 100 people. You don’t have to be preaching to tens of thousands to have Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
An associate of mine, going back four decades, had such a high opinion of himself that, in the end, he found himself alone. He would work with different ministers for a short period of time but then accuse them of something and flee. He displayed all the traits listed above. Even though his own life was a mess, he lived with this deranged understanding that he was holy. He even turned on his wife and kids because of their compromise, causing incredible damage. He died estranged from most of his immediate family. You can be a narcissist with no audience!
Traits of Narcissism
Narcissism is characterized by several traits (I’m tempted to let you think that I created this list, but in my effort to follow my own advice below, AI helped 😉).
Inflated sense of self-worth: They may have an extreme need for admiration and validation from others.
Manipulative: They may use manipulation, exploitation, and aggression to achieve their goals.
Lack of empathy: They may disregard the feelings and needs of others. This is how they can abuse people and then blame their victims for turning them in.
Paranoia: They may feel threatened or persecuted without proof.
Lack of remorse: They may lack conscience, regret, or remorse for their actions.
Cruelty: They may take pleasure in the pain of others.
Willingness to break the rules: They may bend or break rules and laws. These are often rules that they tell other people not to break.
How can we protect ourselves from narcissism?
1. Surround yourself with people who can tell you the truth about yourself. I have several close friends in ministry who know they can speak to me honestly. And I’m submitted to five different men within the senior team of Tikkun Global who can remove me from ministry. If you’re in ministry, answer this one question: who can rebuke you without fear? Who has an open invitation to bring you down to earth when you get too high? If you have trouble answering that question, you might have a problem. But you can fix it by empowering others to play that role in your life.
2. Practice acts of humility. Do things that no one will ever see, like helping a homeless person. If you go into a bathroom stall and it’s dirty, clean it. And then don’t tell anybody. Paul says that humility is considering others better than yourself (Phil 2:3). It is hard to be a narcissist when you are honoring other people—particularly those who are submitted to you. Join a ministry that feeds the homeless, where you are not leading or getting any credit. These are the types of things that build humility in us. Don’t seek your own honor, and don’t expect it. Lastly, don’t brag about your accomplishments. Every time you resist a temptation to draw attention to your achievements, you grow in humility. And let me be clear, I was born proud! Humility is not something that came naturally to me. I love the praise of man or, as John calls it, “The pride of life” (1 John 2:16). I have to constantly crucify my flesh.
3. Actively seek the fear of the Lord. When you can look at a victim and tell them that if they betray you by turning you in, it will be the biggest betrayal of your life; you are not walking in the fear of the Lord. You see, the Bible is clear about what happens to those who cause little ones to stumble— “it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea” (Matt. 18:6). If you’re willing to abuse someone you’re not walking in the fear of the Lord. Understand that your actions of abuse towards someone else, whether they were sexually or spiritually, can mess them up forever. A narcissist sees himself as too important to care. A humble servant of God will not enter into such relationships, even under severe temptation, because he or she does not want to wound the other person because he or she fears the Lord.
